Red Ants

Red ants, Red ants
Marching methodically
Biting surfaces to itchy bits
Clumping into one giant red ball
Of discomfort in orifices distant and proximal
Caring not two pence for my goodness or decree or reputation to maintain human decency
I boasted of my inner goodness
They invaded my insides
They feasted on my pride
Red ants, Red ants
Marching proudly
On shards
Of broken pride

Horizon

All divides are rendered invalid

The horizon dilutes all absolutes

The blue sky commences

The blue sea terminates

In a fashion so delicate

That no eye can tell apart

In the horizon my thoughts take form

In such turbidity, I find my sole piece of coherence.

Legacy

Crisis

I often fear alienation and estrangement but in those brief moments when I sense belonging and familiarity, I cringe further. It's a constant tussle between wanting to stand out & to settle in the crowd. It's in these bits that I gaze at the frailty of our existence in its entirety.
I am not good with words , my grammar is sloppy, I keep a Merriam Webster's by my side whenever I decide to write lest I be misunderstood or worse be considered a simpleton. I can't be a simpleton, I assure myself, how can someone who know words like "Machiavellian" & " Kafkaesque" ever be a simpleton?.
I look closely at my audience, it's a fair mix of  "intellectuals" "pretentious snobs" &  "simpletons". To whom am I catering my thoughts to? And essentially, are my thoughts exclusively mine?
My hypocrisy is beyond measure, my self loathing is a direct result of my insincerity. If it were a physical entity, I would have peeled it off myself in a final act of redemption.
We try to give a meaning to our lives, tagging it with labels like canned juices in a foodmart. But canned juices go bad on expiry while we go bad well before expiry. Canned juices smell bad when rotten while we give away no telltale signs of our decay, that comes way after we have expired.
I just stare towards the night sky and tell myself " I am special, I am made of stardust" but then a little voice knocks some sense into me. All of us are made of stardust, if all of us are made of the same thing, then by definition, no one is special. This realization is both a boon & a bane. It's a constant reminder that I am insignificant. No matter what I do or don't , I still will be forgotten. We will all one day merge into a singularity. That, will be some union.

The Year So Far

2015 has been quite an eventful year for me. Eventful is so much so an umbrella term that it encompasses all things good and bad. The bad has helped me to keep my feet firmly on ground and the good has aided in the expansion of my vision.
I have learnt that not every kind word has a kind intent, as La Rochefoucauld puts it aptly in his maxim " what seems generosity is often no more than disguised ambition, which overlooks a small interest in order to secure a greater one." No act is ever a purely selfless act, selfish shenanigans always linger on but are well hidden behind the veils of sentiments, lest you question them.
I have learnt to probe and doubt things that for long have been thought to be beyond the realms of logical deduction and existed solely on faith. I have learnt that god only exists because man fears oblivion & death.
I have learnt not to exercise bad faith or mauvaise foi as Sartre puts it. Scrutiny of self action is the best tool for self extrapolation.
I have gained interest in philosophy though I shall admit in all fairness that it does seem like a bunch of baloney at times. I identify myself as an existentialist but cannot tell existentialism , absurdism & nihilism apart. I have learnt that 'Kant' is actually pronounced as 'cunt' and Nietzsche's overman is not an undearwear and cloak clad flying alien. I have learnt that we all are like Sisyphus, only ours is not a perennial doom. 
I have learnt that to sound intelligent you need the validation of grades and sophistication comes from using scores of humongous words with no intrinsic meaning whatsoever.
I have learnt that math does have practical applications and not knowing it is nothing to be proud of. Also history is not just a catalog of dates , valuable life lessons can be taken from it.

This year in particular has shaped my rational mind but it has also taught me that the young mind rides high on hormones and is rebellious & impulsive , ergo , it is prone to making mistakes.