his life had been twisted from the very beginning. He was transsexual. He took pleasure and intense joy in dressing up as a woman. Every single grain of his body oozed femininity. He watched the neighborhood women and mentally took notes of their mannerism & demeanor. He loved the sway and the fluidity of their walk. Later in the privy of his bedroom he would put his morning lessons to work but he knew it all too well that this was something he had to keep to himself. He knew that the society looked down upon people like him. People like him usually,generally were abandoned by their families once they revealed their sexuality all that was left then was to join the ghetto community of the transsexuals. Throughout their lives they would be ostracized and subjected to social stigma. Laxman didn't want his life to take such a drastic turn, he wanted to live with his family. He prayed that one day when he would open up about his orientation he would be accepted.
He woke from his dream world when he heard the entrance door slam open and with equal force it was shut close. In came his father who was so down with alcohol that he could not take one steady step, with wobbly movement he went inside his bedroom where his wife,laxman's mother was sleeping.
''wake up,you bi*ch'' he said and pounced on her like a hungry predator would on its prey.
Laxman stood outside the ajar bedroom door, hearing his mother wail & scream in pain but now all of this was routine. It happened every single day so it didn't arouse any emotion in him whatsoever. Laxman quietly moved from there taking his mother's dressing paraphernalia and went in his room.Whenever his father beat his mother he had this strong urge,sort of a convulsion to dress up like her.
He smeared his cheeks red and put kohl on his eyelids,draped his mother's pink sari he stood infront of the mirror, adorning his slim and petite frame. 'laxmi' he called to himself and smiled , just then he heard a loud thumping on his bedroom door,even before he could move one bit,his father walked in. His mouth hung open.
With glaring red eyes that fumed of rage he dragged Laxman out of his room by his hairs.
''what is this'' he screamed kicking laxman on his buttocks.''I am talking to you,answer me you son of a bi*ch'' he asked kicking his son all the time.''I want to be a girl''laxman replied. ''I have always felt like a girl,i love dressing as girl,playing as a girl,dancing as a girl....... i just want to be a girl''
His father ran to the kitchen and came out with a meat chopper. ''I want to be a girl'' he mocked.
''If i ever see you doing such a nonsense again,I will chop off your head with this'' he sweared throwing the chopper on earth. His mother did not dare to intervene.''now for what are you standing over here'' his father ordered his mother to come inside the room. Laxman lay prostrate on the floor alone.His red cheeks turned black from the kohl laden tears. ''how can i live this way in some one elses body'' he contemplated. ''how wrong i was to think that they would accept me for what i am'' ''how do i live like this'' ''how'' he hollered in his head.
''i am a persona non grata , a non entity & will always continue to be so'' ''unwanted''
he took the chopper and went to the bathroom,he stripped himself naked taking one last look at his battered and bruised body. he took his malehood in his bare hands and closed his eyes shut.all that he could hear now was the nonrhythmic throbbing of his heart.taking a deep breath he slowly began raising the chopper and with one quick blow he cut it off completely. he fell down in his own pool of blood. his male member lay next to him like a dead animal.
the hall bulb still flickered,once.twice& then went off.